Wednesday morning David joined me for my first visit to the midwives’ clinic. We were excited, but nervous, to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Eerily similar to our first pregnancy, our worst fears were confirmed when no heartbeat was found, and a sonogram confirmed that our baby had, in fact, stopped developing many weeks ago. For some reason my body stayed loyal to the pregnancy and never gave me any indication that things were not going as they should. Because of this we opted to go ahead and have the D&C that evening.
Our hearts are sad, but we are still rejoicing because of the hope that God gives us. Our hope isn’t in having another child or the perfect family…God doesn’t promise to give us any of those things. He does promise that he loves us, and that will never change. He promises us that he has a good plan for us…better than anything we could imagine… and that he will give us the strength to endure even the toughest times.
It is comforting to know that God is angered by death just as we are. David’s brother, Luke, sent these encouraging words to us in the midst of our loss and they were a great comfort to us.
4Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
5For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol (the grave) who will give you praise?
6 Arise, O LORD, in your anger;
lift yourself up against the fury of my enemies;
awake for me; you have appointed a judgment.
I remember the first one of these always bothering me. If God put us in the land to shine out his glory into creation, then death is the ultimate silencing of God’s glory. If I walk by a man, I might hear him making mention of his God to me, but if I walk by a man’s grave, I hear nothing. In death there is no remembrance of God. Praise doesn’t come out of graves.
So when people die, we complain to God, “This shouldn’t have happened! What good is it for one of your people to die?!!!”
And God says, “You’re right, there’s no benefit in death. It doesn’t make my glory bright. I am angry at this loss!”
When we are angry at death, God rages with us. We may say, “Arise, O LORD, in your anger,” and his ANGRY RESPONSE is Easter. In Easter, God says, “I will NOT lose any of what is mine!”
my flesh also dwells secure.
10For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
My sister-in-law, Krista, also spoke words of comfort to me by reminding me that our baby is in heaven with our first baby, and they will both be there to greet us when we arrive. We can’t forget that the ultimate purpose of receiving and raising children is to create worshipers, regardless of how long we know them in this life. All of us were created to be worshipers of God, and our children in heaven are doing just that. They are perfect, happy, and whole, glorifying God. What more could we hope for our children? Even though we lost our child, we are blessed to have been a part of creating a person that brings glory to God. So, our loss is still His gain. And, that brings us comfort.
Thank you, to all of our friends and family who have been an encouragement to us during this time. We feel the peace of God like a warm blanket wrapped around us and we are pressing on, hopeful for the future that he has for us.
Glory be to God!